In six attempts, I have never successfully asked someone out. I don’t try anymore because it damages my confidence and self-worth more and more each time it has happened. Recently, I have found that I just don’t experience those big ‘crush’ feelings towards anyone anymore. It’s like being numb and wanting to not feel numb but not knowing how to not feel numb because you’re too numbed out by the feeling of numbness.
I’m not the only one who experiences this. According to data from the American Institute for Boys and Men, around 20% of males felt lonely most of the time in the 30 days before answering the survey. This is all part of a large trend that has become known as the ‘Male Loneliness Epidemic.’ Many others, including me, blame ourselves for this. After all, you can’t make progress if you never try but it hurts to try after facing a big ol’ dose of rejection.
My top priority when I came to CMU was to figure out if I could actually do it. Like any new experience, it’s scary to dive into the unknown. My first two weeks were filled with lots of me calling my parents crying because I didn’t think I was college material, the classes were extremely intimidating, and I was having major flashbacks to high school, a time that ended with me expressing an immense amount of displeasure in the institution I spent so much time in.
Yet, somehow, when the dust settled I finished my first semester with a perfect record. A 4.00 GPA, President’s List award and newfound confidence that I could actually make it.
Now that I’m in my second semester, my top priority has shifted to grabbing the horns of my worst enemy. Relationships. That dreaded word has been at the front of my mind for nearly 3 months now and yet I have not made any progress with it. I see couples walk around campus daily and while I shouldn’t be taking it personally, it can be extremely disheartening. I often sit and wonder, “What am I doing wrong?”
Outside factors, such as the incel movement and the 80/20 rule, just further tarnishes our chances at love. Things like the incel movement has hindered the chances of many men. This type of person often blames women for their failures. Mass murderers such as Elliot Rodger and Alek Minassian both blamed women as a key factor in planning their terroristic plots and as a result, popularized the archetype of the incel. Influencers such as Andrew Tate have taken that further and popularized the manosphere, in which sentiments of ‘being owed’ are common.
It ruins the reputation of the rest of us who want to feel love and aim to be as respectful as we can be. Men throughout history have been the abusers and oppressors, which leaves those of us who want to experience genuine connection to flounder under the shadows of their actions.
It isn’t just romantic relationships that have been tricky to navigate, platonic relationships have been just as difficult. It’s disheartening when you pour your heart into planning hangouts with your friend group and then watching them all realize they have other obligations. It’s even worse when you realize that it happens every single time.
Additionally, being left on read is a prevalent example of the fear of the unknown. It leaves you questioning what you said wrong, then holding that stress until you either suppress it or double-text, making the situation more awkward. I don’t reach out to anybody besides family and work friends because I am so afraid of the mind games I might play on myself when I try to converse with other people.
Sadly, much of this is my own doing. I write everything in an extremely raw and emotionally-based way, which includes texts. This type of writing can be a turn-off for a lot of people. Besides that, I don’t often leave my dorm room and don’t stick around at social events. Self-destructive tendencies like this aren’t going to yield good results in someone attempting to build up their social life.
However, when the dust settles this time around, I hope to see something beautiful on the other side. Our tribes are out there, sometimes it just takes a bit of time to find them.
