Aries (Mar 21 to Apr. 19):

Steer clear of Escalante during the next full moon. Destiny suggests that Aries who wander in will be cursed with mediocre sex for life.

Taurus (Apr. 20 to May 20):

You are bound to run into a dreamy stranger in the Caf. Be careful, just because they’re dreamy doesn’t mean they’re the one.

Gemini (May 21 to June 20):

Beware the next time you go into Houston Hall. That dastardly little shit Cupid is looking to shoot you in the ass.

Cancer (June 21 to July 22):

Wubben Hall is blessed this year with luck and love. Find a sensual science baddie by scrounging the bathrooms.

Leo (July 23 to Aug. 22):

The gods of love have blessed you this season. While you may not have had a Valentine this year, love is bound to hit you soon.

Virgo (Aug. 23 to Sep. 22):

Love is in the air at CMU, but not for you. You are cursed to spend the rest of February alone and eating ice cream, sadly.

Libra (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22):

The next time you are studying at the Univeristy Center Starbucks make yourself look extra desirable by sending yourself a bouquet of flowers. Everyone will think you’re so special.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21):

Just a reminder from last edition, your ex doesn’t deserve to be harassed just because you realized they’re ugly. Take your new Valentine on  a late night graveyard date.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21):

Keep an eye out for Rowdy. Celestial rumor has it that he’s got a gift for you. You wouldn’t want to reject Rowdy, now would you? Would you?

Capricorn (Dec. 22 to Jan 19):

Whether you are currently in love or trying to find it, remember that loving yourself should come first. You are important, too.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18):

In a world where your goblin shenanigans have consequences, rejoice, for you have found another to engage in shenanigans with. Congratulations!

Pisces (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20):

Consider hiding in the back corner of the second story of the library to overcome your recent Valentine’s Day rejection in peace.