I am no stranger to subjecting myself to bad movies, as it is my family’s favorite pastime. Sit down, watch a crappy movie, and drink until we forget how bad it is. However, sometimes you can never escape the cringe, such is the case for E.L. Jame’s risque take on Twilight, lovingly dubbed the Fifty Shades Trilogy.

Fifty Shades of Grey 1/10

This movie is so cringy and uncomfortable, it physically hurts. I am sick of bland, lifeless characters designed for the audience to project themselves into. At least give her a bit of personality! Anna Steele is about as depthless as a cardboard cutout, and her most notable feature is her tendency to simulate fellatio with her pencils. Don’t even get me started with the creepy, cringy, insecure, control freak rat that is Christian Grey. Masquerading your abusive tendencies as BDSM is not a good look.

Fifty Shades Darker 1/10

This disaster felt like nothing and everything happened all at once. The only good thing to come from this movie is that Anna and Christian were broken up in the beginning. Everything just goes downhill from there. Do these types of characters have a pheromone that makes them irresistible to playboy billionaire batman wannabes? After she takes him back, she only realizes he’s still a control freak after his former “partner” comes back and starts harassing them. Yet, Anna still stays with him! Being rich cannot be worth putting up with this level of insanity.

Fifty Shades Freed -15/10

This was actually the worst movie I have ever seen, and I have willingly watched the abomination that is Velocipastor. How the hell does it go from warped BDSM fantasy to a horror thriller as they deal with Anna’s violent, obsessive stalker? Ironic, considering how she is now married to a violent, obsessive stalker. Not to mention that when Anna tells Christian that she’s pregnant, his first response is to freak out, leave her alone at home and go hang out with his cougar ex-dominatrix that groomed and abused him as a teen.

This trilogy is an actual blight on humanity, and I regret watching it. Thank you for coming to my MAVTalk.