Aries 3/21 – 4/19
Don’t bottle up all that justified rage. Yes, everyone else is an idiot but that doesn’t mean you must sacrifice your peace. Instead, rent an hour in a rage room and take all those frustrations out on ceramics.
Taurus 4/20 – 5/20
During the lunar eclipse, it is advised to organize all socks and underwear. Make sure each sock is in a pair and that any holes in the underwear aren’t impeding your genital integrity. Toss everything that doesn’t meet these standards.
Gemini 5/21 – 6/20
Take a deep breath and then set that boundary. Did a close friend forget to kiss your forehead goodnight? Let them know how unacceptable that is and your relationship will surely strengthen.
Cancer 6/21 – 7/22
Grab the pillow that you always use for screaming and give it a good wash. There’s no reason to bring that baggage into Autumn. Reset the balance to zero and each new pillow-screaming session after will feel even better than before.
Leo 7/23 – 8/22
Halloween is speeding towards you like a freight train. There’s a crossroads upon you and if decisions aren’t made the costume may suffer. Yeah, you’ll still look so hot, but will you embody “that girl?”
Virgo 8/23 – 9/22
Treat every day like the glass is half full during the next few weeks. Doesn’t matter what’s in there: wine, milk, sugar free Redbull, it all works for this exercise. Make everyday one to conquer and the rotten soldiers will fall in line behind you.
Libra 9/23 – 10/22
Libra Season is here and you will be more magnetic than ever. It’s your birthright to ghost as many people as you want, your social calendar will thank you for it. Also, remember to act surprised at the secret birthday bash you found out about two weeks ago. The pictures will be amazing.
Scorpio 10/23 – 11/21
Avoid avoidance during the lunar eclipse. Say everything with your chest. Make the appointment that’s been put off three times already. Ask for that extension. Bake that weird vegan meatloaf recipe you found on TikTok.
Sagittarius 11/22 – 12/21
When the winds of Autumn blow, listen to them. Get your face painted like a lizard at the pumpkin patch and jump into the big crunchy pile of leaves. Let go of the sadness that summer is officially over and embrace the detritus.
Capricorn 12/22 – 1/19
It’s time to switch up the wardrobe for winter. Pull those labeled rubbermaid totes out of storage and make the swap. Daisy dukes and tube tops are impractical in this colder weather and rotating your wardrobe helps it last longer.
Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18
Dreams may get more vivid moving into Libra Season. It’s best to take many long, luxurious naps to get fully immersed and decode any subliminal messages. It’s not really that deep, but you’ll figure out a way to give them way more meaning than they deserve.
Pisces 2/18 – 3/20
Grab that instant polaroid camera and embrace the misty vibes by taking esoteric and blurry photos of falling leaves and the sky at dusk. During the lunar eclipse, hang those photos up like a moodboard and sulk happily.
