It’s a staple of every end of the relationship talk along with ‘it’s not you, it’s me.’ This phrase is usually paired with ‘We should stay friends though.’ Why do we feel obligated to offer out this solution when a relationship is coming to a close even though there’s a reason it’s ending? And does it ever actually work?
In my experience, no. I get the appeal. It’s always awkward running into that person at the grocery store and having no idea what to say, but if you’re “friends” it helps ease the tension.
Keeping in contact with an ex is like taking a shower right before running a marathon. It’s counterproductive. Don’t do it, especially if you’re trying to move forward. There’s no way to move forward with someone new if you have a foot in the door with an ex.
There is only one of two ways the situation can end. Either you stay in contact and realize you can’t actually do better, which leads for you to go crawling back or someone moves on and the other has hopes of getting back together.
When I broke up with an ex of two years, he offered up the friends stuff and I took it because, at the time, it was comforting. It was easy.
We no longer lived in the same town, so a clean break would have been easy too. We called, texted and even FaceTimed for probably two weeks after the breakup. The mistake I had made was trying to be in a friendship too soon after the breakup and my ex saw it as a chance to make it up to me.
What I had offered as friendship he had mistaken for a second chance. When I expressed what I actually meant he expressed that friends to him meant ‘with intention of getting back together.’
Needless to say, that’s where the friendship ended. Until a year later when he tried again to be my friend.
When an ex comes out of the woodwork a year or so later it’s always so weird. Mostly because they try to make it so nonchalant, what they’re doing.
They usually start with, “Hey what was that one sushi roll we got at that one restaurant in that random town?” Or my favorite: “Hey what was that brand of lotion you bought me that one time that worked so well?” Which of course leads to: “Oh by the way, how have you been?”
By this point, it would seem obvious that there is a reason no words have been said between you too, but he doesn’t get that.
Just like with anything, one can’t always deal in absolutes. In some cases being cordial with an ex may be a necessity, such as when kids are involved.
At the end of the day though the decision is also completely situational. Chances are, one wouldn’t stay friends with someone that stomped on their heart and chances are, there are those who genuinely want to be friends with an ex love.
