Aries (Mar 21 to Apr. 19):

Your pretension is showing. During the next new moon, prove everyone all wrong with a bitterly cold shoulder and a fierce crop-dusting.

Taurus (Apr. 20 to May 20):

This dreary weather may have everyone else sad, but your heart is warm and giddy with the thought of a nap under your new weighted blanket.

Gemini (May 21 to June 20):

“Heated Rivalry” has boosted your callipygian desires. Rozanov’s admirable rear-end made you drool and motivated you. Get squattin’!

Cancer (June 21 to July 22):

You have been having recurring dreams where Jennifer Coolidge is chasing you while screaming “PETRICHOR!” Light a sacrificial menthol during the next full moon to eliminate the demon.

Leo (July 23 to Aug. 22):

The susurrations as you walk through campus aren’t unfounded. The new haircut really backfired.

Virgo (Aug. 23 to Sep. 22):

The mysterious gelatinous goop you found in biology has really brightened up your skin tone and made your pores less noticeable. Patent?

Libra (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22):

Although “chatoyancy” is a pretty word, you should probably look up the definition. Spend some time during the next new moon learning about shiny wood.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21):

Pernicious nature aside, your ex doesn’t deserve to be harassed just because you think they’re ugly. It looks desperate.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21):

Avoid trouble during the full moon by leaving your boss’s contact information under the windshield wiper of the parked car you rammed on accident.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 to Jan 19):

Your afluvian presence was not well-received during the first week of class. Brainstorm less gross ways to exist during Pisces season.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18):

Your sphinx statue made of quartz keeps giving you the stink eye. She needs to recharge under the full moon so leave her outside that night.

Pisces (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20):

You’ve moved on from mad-libs to lipograms. Incorporate letter-elimination exercises in your daily conversation to assert dominance.