Aries: You know what sounds good right now? Some hot apple cider. Just save some for the rest of us or there won’t be much leftover for you to be thankful for (I WILL steal the turkey).
Taurus: If you’re going to jump into the pile of leaves you’ve been eyeing all season, now’s the time to do it. Just look out for snakes. Or Rowdy. I wouldn’t be surprised if he were in there.
Gemini: Having trouble deciding whether it is time for winter spirit or to stick with the fall vibes is an understandable predicament, but fall isn’t over. Be patient.
Cancer: I swear, if you make me do the damn Turkey Trot this year, Cancer, I will turn off the TV in the middle of the football game.
Leo: I foresee when you break the wishbone, you’re going to be blessed with a thousand years of dry turkey meat. There is nothing you can do about it. Might as well buy a honey baked ham for the rest of your life.
Virgo: This is the year to experiment with Thanksgiving foods! No longer will you serve the traditional dishes, consider making a cheese stuffed deepfired turducken served with a corn pudding and meat jello salad. Delicious?
Libra: I hope you’re as lucky as the turkey that gets pardoned by the president this holiday season. You deserve it, as a treat.
Scorpio: Oh my god, Scorpio it is too damn early for Christmas, Thanksgiving isn’t even here yet! Go put Miriah Carey back in the freezer!
Sagittarius: We ride at dawn. Prepare for Black Friday.
Capricorn: If you’re going out dressed as a turkey to harass the local youths, just stay clear of the forests. The hunters are waiting for a tasty treat to throw on their dinner plates, too.
Aquarius: If you are going to wear that tacky sweater, at least crochet a Turkey on it or something. Fall sweaters can be just as tacky as winter holiday sweaters if you try hard enough.
Pisces: I swear if you’re going to put the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade on the TV, you better get me something to drink. Those blimps are scary!
