//“Breaking Dawn Pt. 1” (2011)

The previous ones were so goofily unhinged that Breaking Dawn was a slap to the face. Bella and Edward got married, and while… consummating their marriage, they accidentally created a demon baby. Which is strange, considering EDWARD DOESN’T HAVE BODILY FUNCTIONS. Bella’s pregnancy was actually the worst thing I’ve ever seen, everything from the conception to the birth made me want to die. They picked horrible names, too. Edward Jacob for a boy (must I explain why that’s unhinged?!) and Renesmee for a girl. Might as well call her Ratatouille, because that’s the only way I’ll remember her. To make things worse, Jacob imprinted on the baby, which doesn’t sound too bad until you realize that imprinting in this universe is the equivalent to A SOULMATE! Not once did I think I would prefer Edward over Jacob. Watching this movie was like having an out of body experience and witnessing yourself pass, slowly and painfully.

//“Breaking Dawn Pt. 2” (2012)

As per usual, the acting was horrible and the CGI baby gave me nightmares. There is so much going on in this movie it’s hard to keep up. Bella’s whole vampiric transformation was so cringey and awkward and the child is terrifying. Because Ratatouille is an immortal child, she is illegal, resulting in the Vampire Illuminati hunting down the Cullens and their friends. Then, in a lame, goofy ass, poorly animated battle, everyone important dies, only for it to be revealed that the last sequence of events were nothing but one of Alice’s visions. Lazy writing. Even though I hate this series, I was so disappointed to see that trope used to give a happily ever after that not one  of these creeps ever actually deserved.