Aries 3/21 – 4/19

Sagittarius season has you feeling like a baby phoenix rising from the ashes. Get out a couple of cute chirps, eat some worms out of your moms mouth and take flight! Winter needs some heat.

Taurus 4/20 – 5/20

Keep goals neatly focused next to you at all times. This will ensure that you make absolutely no progress towards them but they’ll be able to nag you constantly and occassionally jab you in the kidney with an elbow. Ambition can wait until next year.

Gemini 5/21 – 6/20

Retail therapy hasn’t been hitting the spot recently. Consider trying an estate sale. Sometimes it takes rifling through some dead lady’s fur coat collection to truly feel alive. Exhilarate or else.

Cancer 6/21 – 7/22

Are you out of thank you cards? It seems that people have been nicer than usual and you’ve been showing gratitude with fervor. Instead of buying new, get artistic and make your own. People love macaroni art!

Leo 7/23 – 8/22

Just because you know every line to every song in “Wicked” doesn’t mean it’s appropriate to sing in theatre. Besides, why should the audience get a free show? Sit quietly and embrace the collective sobbing.

Virgo 8/23 – 9/22

Walk into every situation like Spongebob on his first day at the Krusty Krab – with an open mind and an open heart. Getting employee of the month 100 times in a row started with taking that first step towards greatness. Remember those roots.

Libra 9/23 – 10/22

Step out of the comfort zone by saying “no” at least once between now and the full moon. The world will probably explode but it’s worth it. Don’t overthink it, just blurt it out without thinking. Let that inner bimbo be assertive!

Scorpio 10/23 – 11/21

Let the surprise Kendrick drop be the background music of the transition into Sagittarius season. Feel empowered by the covert disses and sultry mood switch-ups. MUSTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARD!

Sagittarius 11/22 – 12/21

People will be expecting you to be even crazier until the full moon. Keep them guessing by being more stable than you’ve ever been in your life. Hop off the teeter-totter and ride the elevator. Maybe you’ll even like it?

Capricorn 12/22 – 1/19

Christmas has slapped you in the face  while still trying to enjoy then end of wholesome Autumn. Rebel by making a raunchy Christmas trap music playlist and taking over the aux at the first holiday party you go to.

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

People are concerned that emotional support water bottle is making you sick. When is the last time that thing got cleaned? It’s not seasoning, it’s bacteria. Get in there with a toothbrush and clean between all the grooves. It’ll be good for another year.

Pisces 2/18 – 3/20

Procrastinating by reorganizing your first-press vinyl collection by the emotion it evokes is only going to take up so much time. Face that deadline head on and the stress-crying session afterward will be transcendent.