Hello friends, welcome to the super-duper Valentine’s Day edition of Crayons Are Delicious. In today’s article, we will talk about some great ideas on how to impress that special someone in your life.

I know what you are all thinking. “Nico, what do you even know about love?” Well as a man who has binge-watched How I Met Your Mother numerous times, I believe I know a lot. So now that we have my background expertise established on the subject matter let’s get started.

First things first, let’s talk about chocolate. There are many fine candy stores in the Mesa County area, including three different Enstrom stores and Candytime Shoppe on 5th and Main Streets (I am in no way, shape or form receiving payment for endorsing these establishments. I do love candy though, so if some awesome person wants to drop some off by the Criterion office, insert smiley face).

If you can’t afford candy from these places, fear not my friends. Go buy some Kit-Kats and Reese’s. All girls love Kit-Kats and all guys love Reese’s, it’s a proven fact. Added bonus, if she eats a Kit-Kat any other way besides breaking off one at a time and eating that stick, or if he doesn’t just shove both Reese’s in his mouth at the same time, you’re dealing with a psychopath. You need to text a friend and have them call you so you can use them as an excuse to leave.

Next, let’s talk about dinner. There are many crazy things you can do for dinner, it’s not even funny. Papa Murphy’s offers heart-shaped pizzas, and the McDonald’s offers a romantic three-course meal. For those looking to impress their date, I suggest either Citrola’s Italian Grill off 24 Road or Hot Tomato Pizzeria in Fruita.

Those are two great Italian places. I could go on and on about many different food places, but I don’t have time in this article. Maybe one day I’ll do an actual food review. 

Any-who, if you really, really want to impress your date (emphasis on the second really), I suggest cooking for them. Now, this is an awesome recipe, and you can do it on the cheap side. First, go to Dollar Tree. I also am not getting paid by Dollar Tree for telling you to shop there.

At Dollar Tree, buy a pack of noodles, a pack of eight hot dogs, two wine glasses and a pack of string cheese. You should be able to get all of this for slightly more than $5. Now, crush up a couple packs of noodles and put them into a microwave safe bowl. Add enough water to soak your noodles and throw them in the microwave for three minutes.

While your noodles are in the microwave, grab a hotdog and proceed to dice that thing up. We’re going to aim for one and a half hotdogs per pack of noodles.

After your noodles are done cooking, carefully pull them out of the microwave and drain the water but leave enough to mix with the spice packets. Mix in your diced hot dogs and add some shredded string cheese on top.

As for the wine glasses, well if your old enough, get adult grape juice. If not, grab actual grape juice from Dollar Tree while you’re there.

Now let’s talk about entertainment. First off, dinner and a movie are overrated. Take your date somewhere interesting like mini-golf or go do a round of laser tag. Or stay in and eat and watch a movie. Yes, I know, I’m complicated.

Now everyone thinks, “Oh-Em-Gee, Rom-Com,” and that’s where they’re wrong. This is a perfect time for a horror movie. “What? A horror movie? Is he serious?” Yes, dead serious. Romantic Comedies are great for when you want to hold hands in a movie theatre and eat popcorn and laugh. If you want to snuggle up together on a couch, watch a horror movie like, say, My Bloody Valentine.

It’s a proven fact that watching a horror movie leads to cuddling. It’s science, and science is absolutely never wrong. Speaking of which, science has also proven if you watch an action movie, your adrenaline gets pumping, and that leads to interior decorating.

Next, let’s talk about music. Once again, most people will assume you would want romantic music. And once again, most people will assume wrong. You want some music that makes you want to fight and/or thrash around and break stuff. I’ve created a playlist on Spotify just for that.

Spotify is also not paying me to say that. The playlist is titled Screamy. It features some music by bands such as: As I Lay Dying, Wage War, August Burns Red, Of Mice & Men, The Devil Wears Prada and much more.

Now once your energy is gone and you start to come down from your adrenaline high, this is the perfect time to cuddle and watch an action movie.

Finally, let’s talk about hygiene and appearance. I’m mostly speaking to the men here because it’s also a proven fact that as guys we are required to have no more than three pairs of pants and no less than 50 shirts, hoodies, and jackets to wear. So, guys, wear something clean, something ironed, use deodorant, the good kind, add a hint of cologne, and brush your teeth and comb your hair.

Have a great Valentine’s Day my friends. And remember, if there’s anything you should take away from this, it’s that you should bring chocolate. And flowers, people love flowers.