As a former active duty United States Marine, I have eaten a ton of crayons in my life. They aren’t very nutritious, but they are very filling. 

Now I know what you’re thinking, why would someone eat a crayon? Well hear me out, crayons are the perfect snack for anyone. First off, while you’re eating them, you can also color on the table, desk or whatever else is in front of you. 

Crayons are also very lightweight. You can carry them in your pocket, your backpack, your purse and the glove compartment in your car. Almost anywhere you can think of, you can fit an eight pack of crayons. 

Even if you can’t fit an eight-pack of crayons on you, you could take one or two out of the box and stick them in your pockets. Whenever you are feeling hungry, you can just pull them out of your pocket stash and eat them like Cheetos.  

If you want to eat a crayon in a more nutritious way, I suggest a good garden salad. First, let us start with the base. I prefer spinach rather than lettuce, but for all you health nuts out there, you could also substitute with kale. 

Next, let us add in some sliced cucumber and diced tomatoes. Around this point, I love to add an entire onion into the mix. No need to cut it up, as onions have layers. Just keep peeling away and throw it on in there.  

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Now here is the important part. First, you need a cheese grater. If you don’t have a cheese grater, you can buy a decent one at Dollar Tree. Next, grab your crayons. I recommend the orange or yellow one as they look the closest to either carrots or cheese. Screw it, let’s add them both. Peel the wrapper to the crayons and put the cheese grater over your salad. It’s pretty self-explanatory from here, but for argument’s sake or in case someone needs very clear instructions, run the naked crayon through the cheese grater to get those stringy strands that we all love and enjoy so much. 

With almost everything else I eat, I prefer the less healthy option of eating crayons. I find that they pair up perfectly with desserts.  

Ever notice how bakeries sell chocolate chip cookies with both small and huge chocolate chunks? Well, that’s because they use a bar of chocolate and cut their own chocolate chips. With that said, I prefer to do the same with crayons when I make homemade crayon chip cookies.  

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I have this amazing recipe for cookies – and no, you vultures cannot have it. If you don’t have a recipe you can Google one or ask your grandmother. You know Grandmas always have some amazing cookies. If you have your own recipe but it lacks that certain oomph, try using butter flavor Crisco. It’s honestly the least weird tip in this entire article. Follow your recipe to the letter until you get to the part about adding the chocolate chips.  

Now here’s the important part. First, grab a butcher knife, hacksaw or samurai sword, then peel the wrapper off the crayon. I recommend a nice variant of brown or sienna color. Take your chosen utensil and start cutting some chips off at different angles for size variation. Once you have your crayon chips, throw them in the cookie dough, mix it well and throw some cookies in the oven.  

If cookies aren’t your thing, might I suggest a nice cake? You don’t have to make a cake from scratch, you can be lame like me and buy a mix from the grocery store. I don’t know how to make a cake from scratch.  

Once the cake is in the oven, grab a few colorful crayons – and you guessed it – peel the wrappers off. Once all your crayons are naked, break them into pieces and put them in a small microwave-safe bowl.  

When the cake comes out of the oven, put it on to a cooling rack for about a good 20 minutes or so. Once again, if you do not have a cooling rack, you can buy one from Dollar Tree for literally a dollar.  

Once your cake is cooled off, throw your bowl of broken crayons into the microwave for about 13 minutes and 93 seconds. Not a second longer or a second less. The timing must be precise, otherwise, your melted crayons will be the wrong consistency. Once it’s out of the microwave, pour the delicious smelling mixture over the cake and spread evenly. Serve immediately and throw away the leftovers after 37 minutes. It won’t be good anymore.  

These are a few basic ways you can eat crayons. Ultimately, how you decide to eat crayons is only limited by your imagination. 

Editor’s note: This is a humor column. Hopefully it gave you reason to laugh a little in a world that is often entirely too serious. Regardless of the recipes provided, we discourage the actual consumption of crayons.