by Tyler Fransen
So you’ve filled out your ballot, dropped it off at your local polling place or mailed it off to your county clerk’s office, but you’re still worried that [insert candidate here] is going to win the election. Well, we’re here to help you with our patent pending,
“Criterion Presidential Election Backup Plan” and this is how it works.
Step 1: Convert to all the religions, all of them, every last one. If [insert candidate here] is elected, then we all know that the seven circles of hell will erupt from the ground and the book of revelations will play out
like a Chris Nolan film, so why take the risk? Converting to all religions at once is the best insurance policy money can buy. Speaking of money;
Step 2: Burn your money, or better yet give it to me. This, by no means, is a selfish ploy to extort our readers for cash, but you know if [insert candidate here]
is elected, then money is pretty much going to be worthless at that point, so why hold on to ancient relics of the past? It’s not like you can put it in a museum, because museums will be dead. Them and, art, science, philosophy, music, culture and literacy. So just leave your money at the door, I’ll collect it later, thanks.
Step 3: Invest in a timeshare. Now I realize if you’re following this checklist to a “T” then you’ve probably burntallofyourmoneybynow. But, the good news is, after the election, Oprah’s toenail clippings will become our new currency so, you can invest in a timeshare. Timeshares are a great way of fleeing the country, I mean living out your dream vacation away from it all. Plus, if you invest in my timeshare, I’ll include my brand new, “Definitely Not a Fallout Shelter, Vacation… Hole.” It may look, feel and serve the same purpose as a fallout shelter, but rest assured, it most definitely is not a fallout shelter. (I am legally obligated to tell you that it most definitely is a fallout shelter).
Step 4: Print off all of your social media pages. When [insert candidate here] is elected, their first 100 days in office will consist of, aborting all fetuses, taking away all guns, grabbing women inappropriately, building luxury golf courses and shutting down the internet. So, if you like the internet, print it off so you can have a lasting memory of the pasta
dish you Instagrammed, and those cat videos your grandmother accidentally posted twice. And we all know print will last longer than any other form of media, so this one is guaranteed to work.
Step 5: Rations. This one’s pretty straightforward.
Step 6: Re-populate the earth. Again, pretty straightforward. And if anyone’s interested I’ll have you know I have great genes, and great jeans! (And I wonder why I’m still single).
Step 7: Invent a time machine to go back and make sure this election plays out better for the sake of our democracy and of our future. You know exactly what you need to do, John Connor.
And last, but certainly not least
Step 8: Drink. If you are under the age of 21, this does not apply to you, but to everyone else, on election night, and for the four years thereafter, drink. And drink a lot. I’m drinking right now as I type thisdfghhhhhhhhhhhh, whoops passed out on my keyboard.
If you follow these eight simple rules, you will achieve electoral nirvana. Plus all of these are way, way easier than just getting out to vote. Trust me, this way is much easier than participating in democracy.
