by Tyler Fransen
Do you want to show blatant disregard for people living next to you? Do you wish you could drown out the world with your killer speaker system? Has your Spotify account been hacked, leaving nothing but garbage music no one likes?
Hi, my name is Tyler Fransen, and I’d like to talk to you about “Being The Worst Neighbors Ever.” “Being The Worst Neighbors Ever” is a comprehensive way of telling the people you live next to, “I don’t care about you as an individual, or respect your right to not be awoken at midnight.”
Here’s how it works: take a surround sound system usually reserved for guys in their 40s with a “man cave,” and place it in your dorm room. Next, find the most obnoxious genre of music you can think of and download it right to your phone. Some popular choices include bro country, rap nobody understands, dubstep and any overplayed songs usually heard at a football stadium.
Have roommates? No worries! Just play it louder to drown out their polite requests to not have their ears bleed.
Want to take your lack of empathy with you into the communal showers that everybody uses and no one else brought music to? Well, now there’s “Being The Worst Neighbors Ever Portable Edition!” With the power of a loud, portable speaker, you can achieve maximum “everybody hates you” anywhere you go!
The showers, in your backpack, in the hallway, in the classroom or even when you’re not in the room! It’s all available through “Being The Worst Neighbors Ever.”
You could listen to your music on your headphones, but then no one else can hear your terrible taste, and where’s the fun in that? Why pay hundreds of dollars on your own private music listening devices, when you can pay hundreds more dollars for something everyone else can hear? Even if they never asked for music or hate every minute of every waking hour you’re cranking the same song over and over again!
And if you’re ever “in the mood” with you and your lover, “Being The Worst Neighbors Ever” includes an amplification system so that you can tell all the virgins of the world that they’re still single and they’ll never get lucky like you are right now.
You can get it all! The surround sound system, the portable speaker, the never ending sexual hormones and paper-thin walls are all ready for you to enjoy. Plus we’ll include the, “I Asked You Very Nicely To Turn Your Music Down, Now I’m Going To Have To Report You” RA, to make it easier for people to recognize, that you’re an [expletive].
Call now to order “Being The Worst Neighbors Ever!” (Offer not included in all states, shipping and handling costs extra and honestly would it kill you to just turn it down?).
