Good news everyone! (Please read this in your head with an old man’s voice).
Colorado Mesa University (CMU) will be adding eight new sports to their athletics program.
“You know, CMU takes pride in the vast array of sports we offer students. From alpine skiing to water polo, students can pretty much do any sport they want. But, now we want to be innovative and cutting edge; what if we offered sports that absolutely no one asked for? What if we used these sports as preparation to dominate the RMAC, by force,” an athletic department spokesperson said.
One of the eight sports that they added was the sport of bobsledding. The school hopes that we can become a pipeline for future Olympians, as well as to teach students how to fight in the alpine setting.
“With how many twists and turns there are on Powderhorn, the bobsledding team would be breaking all sorts of records. It will also be a good simulation for alpine combat, ” Athletic Director Bob Marlee said.
CMU also added a snorkeling team.
“We think snorkeling is a fun way to get more students in the pool. We also plan on making snorkelers scrub the bottom of the pool floor. It’s a win-win, as we save money that we can spend on other ventures, and students get to enjoy the excitement of unpaid labor,” snorkeling head coach Dirk Diggler said rather openly.
Another sport that CMU added was archery. This is part of a larger and poorly hidden effort to mobilize and conscript the student body in preparation of an upcoming war against RMAC rival Colorado School of Mines.
“It’s no secret that CMU and Mines have a tumultuous history. I plan on ending it once and for all,” President John Marshall said
We already have a shooting team, so why not just add an archery team to go along with them? It works out for kids that might not want to carry a firearm, but still want/will be forced to shoot some Orediggers. Wow, CMU is so inclusive!
Along the same lines, we will now have a mandatory boxing team. That’s right, joining the boxing team will be part of your general educational requirements, like a speech class.
“You never know when you’ll find yourself unarmed on the battlefield. With this team, Mavericks will be prepared for anything those dingy engineers throw our way,” Marlee said.
The fifth of eight sports that got added was an equestrian team. You always need a cavalry, right? The equestrian team will coordinate training with the shooting and archery teams.
The sixth of eight sports that the school added was a figure skating team.
“I think this will teach Mavericks to always be light on their toes. Stealth is an important part of war, or quietly walking past a professor you don’t want to talk to. Both are equally applicable,” Marlee said.
The seventh of the eight sports that CMU decided to add was a badminton team. Surprisingly, there were no other ulterior motives for this implementation. Badminton is just a fun sport.
Lastly, the school will now have a paragliding team. It involves moving through the air and making your way back down to the ground, while avoiding gunfire.
Students can expect for these eight sports teams, and ensuing battle, to start during the 2023-2024 school year. Be on the lookout for all of these sports, as they will all be a unique part of CMU and integral to its war effort.
Next year will be a great year (besides the unspeakable horrors of war) and we will be looking forward to all the great new sports and war memories that get made. What’s better than bleeding out next to a fellow Maverick? Mav up!
