This past week in a shocking turn of events, President John Marshall has decided to completely rebrand the mascot for Colorado Mesa University (CMU).
What has been the home of the Mavericks for years is now the home of the Mesa Toothaches. Marshall stood in front of a large group of school board members, alumni and the local press to make the revolutionary announcement.
“My tooth has been killing me for a few days now and it is really putting a damper on my day-to-day activities,” Marshall said. “It is nearly all I can think about anymore and I feel like it is time for a change around here. We have been the Mavericks for so long it is getting played out, man.”
He went on to display an image of the new mascot, an animated tooth that appeared to be grimacing and in a great deal of discomfort.
“The toothache is aching! Taste of its own medicine.” Marshall said.
When some members of the audience felt the need to voice their mild confusion, Marshall stepped off the stage and showed each of them personally the severity of his tooth situation. Marshall would pry his mouth open wide, pulling the corner of his lip to the side in a Heath Ledger fashion and repeatedly asking, “Do you see it? Can you see what I meant?”
This mascot change is a very calculated move on Marshall’s part and personally, I really admire his tenacity and resilience to make the school’s image something that speaks to him on a personal level.
Another outstanding point that Marshall added was how a toothache is a thought that corners us when our minds are most vulnerable and anxious, a creeping bad omen in a time when there is no light left in our lives; sports opponents will be faced with that sobering reality of a toothache every time they step up to face us in competition.
“We will be feared across the state because of this formidable mascot, and I cannot see how any of this could ever go wrong.” Marshall said.
This seems like a bright new future for us Toothaches, and I look forward to the improvement in morale that we will be seeing campus-wide as everyone realizes that they are a member of the Mesa Toothache community.
