College is officially underway, and unfortunately, our bank accounts are six feet under. Being a college student comes with plenty of misfortune, one of which is hardly being able to pay for the pounds of ramen filling the pantry, so what are some tips to keeping the price down while also maximizing the amount of fun had?

The most useful is to learn the way of the Mooch. This path isn’t for the faint of heart, as it can lead to some unsavoury places. Scouring for coupons, having a wallet full of “Buy 10 Get 1 Free” cards and utilizing buffets to their full potential are all common traits of a Mooch.

Tupperware and thermoses are the weapons against poverty and a simple trip to the cafeteria becomes grocery shopping for the next two weeks. Free samples from City Market, FroYo sample cups and free cookies at open houses all become sneaky snacks for the day. Looking in every corner for some morsel of food might remind one of a rat, but to that, I ask “Have you ever seen one pay for food?” Point Made.

The way of the Mooch encompasses more than just food though, as just about any company is willing to give some free swag. Job and club fairs are a fantastic place to play the system. Most groups will give away a free t-shirt or cup just for putting down an email or a name, half the time you can just put down a fake and still get the benefits.

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Not only do most clubs do this, but some even want to give away stuff,  the Sustainability Council excel at it. They are trying to save the Earth, and with that, they are constantly giving away stuff at heavy discounts or for free so that it doesn’t end up in a landfill or the ocean.

Once you get a free water bottle during one of their giveaways, it is on to the club fair to get as many free stickers to decorate the new object. Looking for free items may take a trained eye to spot all of them, but they are out there, just waiting to be taken advantage of.

The last step, and the most controversial, to following the way of the Mooch is to make the right friends, and there are two types that you should be looking out for. The only people worth your precious time now resides in the insecurely rich and the self-sacrificial. As the former is the easiest to spot, let’s begin with them.

The insecurely rich is easy to spot by their name-brand-exclusive apparel and expensive car. Lucky for you, most of them have grown up accustomed to paying for friendships, so all you need to do is wriggle your way into their circle of yes men and reap the benefits of knowing Baby Warbucks.

The self-sacrificial friend is much harder to find and more detrimental to mental health to pursue than their wealthier counterparts, but we aren’t here to make friends, we are here to Mooch. The self-sac can be anybody and it takes a real conversation to find them.

Common characteristics include: overwhelming kindness, soft and friendly eyes or demeanors and charity work. Once found, they are easy to lure into friendship and once you’ve gained their trust, the trap is sprung.

Now lunches and trips to the movies become free as they will simply add you to an ever-increasing tab that you will never pay. However, to take advantage of a self-sac is only for the most experienced of moochers.

These self-sac type people are typically great people and the guilt of using them is often too much for the average person. Using and abusing an insecurely rich person is easy as they are typically arrogant and obnoxious, this can be seen when they talk about daddy’s houseboat they will get for getting a 2.0 GPA or higher.

So, take care when pursuing a self-sac purely to mooch since that path will most likely lead to depression and, god forbid, pulling your own weight.

Committing all the way to the way of the Mooch is a tough ordeal and isn’t meant for everyone. The first two steps are the easiest and once the third is taken, it can be hard to revert to the ways of a functioning human being.

For those not so eager to transcend into full Moochery, there are still plenty of ways to keep from breaking the bank. Make some friends and play card games, go on a hike either with the Outdoor Program or on your own accord, spend some time in a hammock, play volleyball at one of the various courts, take a walk through the park, volunteer for some catharsis, listen to music, join an intramural team, exercise at the Mav Center, meet people in class or at events, the possibilities to have some fun are endless and not that hard to find.

All it takes to ball on a budget is some friends and a sense of imagination, both of those are free and much more rewarding than mooching will ever be.