Sevryn Corpse
Joint Juice's new and improved logo. Students look forward to enjoying new ingredients that have been added to the menu.
Juice Junction in the Colorado Mesa University (CMU) Mav Center has a new exciting ingredient in their smoothies: fellow students.
Their new menu has many options, including Finger Blast Supreme, Bloody Berry and Tropical Tonsils.
Finger Blast Supreme especially has been a fan-favorite, a creamy strawberry-banana blend with fingers for the authentic, gritty flesh taste.
Customers are advised to be cautious about acrylic nails that may accidentally make their way into the smoothie.
Nutrition student Kanna Ball is the genius behind Juice Junction’s visceral rebrand. Ball says she got the idea when her coworker Finn Gerless got his hand stuck in the blender.
“I just pressed the button, you know accidentally, of course, and the next thing you know, Finn is down three fingers,” said Ball. “I decided to try the smoothie, and it was just… magical.”
Gerless is excited about Juice Junction’s update.
“It’s so exciting to be part of such a huge moment for the shop,” said Gerless. “I mean, I literally built this with my blood, sweat and tears.”
Gerless mourns the loss of his fingers, but sees his sacrifice as necessary to help the business grow.
“It is hard. You don’t think about how much fingers really do for us until they’re gone,” said Gerless. “It was my right hand too, so I’ve had trouble taking notes in class. But we’re bringing in so much cash at Juice Junction, they’ve been able to hire me a scribe.”
Students can now donate their unwanted body parts to Juice Junction. Ball has opened a clinic in the back of the kitchen and enlisted the help of medical drama enthusiasts to harvest her ingredients.
Grey’s Anatomy superfan Lacey Rate is excited to be able to bring her favorite show to life.
“I love getting hands-on experience,” said Rate. “When you’re elbows deep in gore, you really understand the characters better.”
Rate says that watching the show has taught her everything she needs to know.
“I’ve seen every episode. That’s 28,321 minutes of medical knowledge. That’s, like, at least a third of doctor school. Plus, people have always told me I have very steady hands,” said Rate.
Ball says that Juice Junction’s new initiative will benefit students on campus.
“College is just such a stressful time. We’re providing another avenue for stress relief,” said Ball. “Come to us and watch your stress literally drain away.”
Ball says that the new smoothies are more nutritional than ever. Juice Junction’s new menu is full of collagen and protein.
“They’re such important nutrients. Students used to come to me all the time, asking for more protein shakes and super juices. So now we’re getting it straight from the source. It’s cheap and organic,” said Ball.
Some students have expressed concerns over the ethics of these new smoothies. Philosophy student Vee Gone said that putting students in blenders does not align with CMU’s core values of love and dignity.
“Consuming the blended up bits of other students is just wrong and gross,” said Gone. “Also, Juice Junction uses honey in their drinks. We need to save the bees and not exploit their labor under human values of capitalism.”
Ball plans to keep moving forward with student-smoothies, or “stoothies” as she calls them. Ball plans to reopen Juice Junction under the new name Joint Juices to celebrate the rebrand.
Joint Juices openED May 4 and handed out “May the (life) force be with you” stickers to celebrate. Stoothies are free for the first 37 customers.