Aries 3/21 – 4/19
It’s Aries season and everybody needs to experience how wonderful you are. Take to the streets and preach the power of White Monster energy drinks through a megaphone. Everybody is entitled to your opinion this month.
Taurus 4/20 – 5/20
A change of scenery is healthy — for other people. Stay right where you are, settle in with a good snack and take a nap. Everything about your environment is perfect so there’s no reason to leave. Others should take notes on the vibe you’re able to curate.
Gemini 5/21 – 6/20
Recently, people have been draining your energy instead of filling it. Find a secluded spot during the next full moon and talk to yourself until fully recharged. You’re the only person that gets you anyways.
Cancer 6/21 – 7/22
Are the headaches you get after sobbing your eyes out really worth it? Yes, catharsis is nice, but think of all the time lost to laying in dark silence when you could be frollicking through the spring flower meadows.
Leo 7/23 – 8/22
Interstellar hotness is hard to maintain at all times so catch your breath every once in a while. Don’t let the pressure of perfection stop you from giggling with your pet hamsters while bonding over the new season of Vanderpump Rules.
Virgo 8/23 – 9/22
After perfecting the perfect “concentraing but not bitchy” face, people have been approaching your more and more. It’s awful and they’re wasting your time so reconsider that scowl so you can work in peace.
Libra 9/23 – 10/22
Magical cuteness can only get Libra so far in life. Admittedly, it’s decently far, but consider diversifying the portfolio of life. Practice thinking twice before spreading gossip. If you wait long enough, something juicier will probably come along.
Scorpio 10/23 – 11/21
The next new moon is a prime opportunity to host a Korean horror movie marathon. There’s no explicit reason, it just feels right. So close all the blinds, turn up the bass and let the demonic screams of children lead to bliss.
Sagittarius 11/22 – 12/21
With so many moving parts in spring, it can be hard to pin down a new hobby or interest to try. Discouragement is easy and sometimes it’s a way of our body telling us that the shiny stuff isn’t as valuable as you think. Be steadfast through the full moon.
Capricorn 12/22 – 1/19
The stock market is plummeting, it’s tax season and the tariffs are about to increase the cost of your skincare 10-fold. Hold on to sanity by scream singing “Linger” by the Cranberries until you’re hoarse.
Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18
It’s almost warm enough to do a booze cruise on the river through town. Consider perusing the water vessel options at the Outdoor Program so you’re equipped for maximum safety and fun.
Pisces 2/18 – 3/20
In a world of manic pixie dream-girls be a sad goblin nightmare-boy. It’s way more fun and nobody bats an eye when you crab walk across the living room floor or scream at the potted plants in your office.