Aries 3/21 – 4/19
Start a letter-writing campaign to the Grand Junction Jackalopes requesting they change their name to the “Humpback Chubs.” They’re an endangered species of fish in the Colorado River that needs representation.
Taurus 4/20 – 5/20
Even while asleep, you can sense the presence of danger and enemies. When they crawl into your bed, sneak attack them with a dutch oven and they’ll likely never be able to recover. The stench will be too much for their weak senses.
Gemini 5/21 – 6/20
The next new moon will leave you brimming with power. Store it up until the hot days of summer. The audience at the diving board won’t be able to handle a cannonball that’s been building since March.
Cancer 6/21 – 7/22
The cold plunges you’ve been forcing upon yourself every week have really been working to help you control your breath. Hyperventilating when someone is mean to you is a thing of the past now!
Leo 7/23 – 8/22
Things have been rough since Kendrick Lamar stole all the credit for bringing back flared jeans at the Superbowl. However, just because everyone keeps calling them you “kendrick pants” doesn’t mean you look any less hot.
Virgo 8/23 – 9/22
During the full moon, sign up for a marathon. Waxing all the hair off your body to get more aerodynamic will be incredibly satisfying and you’ll whizz right by all the other runners to the finish line.
Libra 9/23 – 10/22
Your calming atmosphere will become especially necessary in the coming months. Practice saying “woo-sah” in the mirror and perfecting the ideal pattern for rubbing a tummy. Your loved ones will need you.
Scorpio 10/23 – 11/21
The stronger your dreams, the healthier you’ve been feeling. The night-thrashes are great cardio, but the bags under your eyes indicate it’s not sustainable. Consider thrashing at the Rec Center instead to get it out while you’re awake.
Sagittarius 11/22 – 12/21
Drift on the wind like a dandelion puff that’s been wished upon by an innocent child. You’ll be able to spread the gospel of anxiety and probiotic sodas with the world. Don’t let your followers down.
Capricorn 12/22 – 1/19
That obsession with dinosaurs you had as a kid is really paying off. Everybody has been talking about the meteor that’s hurdling towards Earth and you’re educating them on the one that took out the dinosaurs several million years ago.
Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18
Get together eight of your closest friends and practice your supernatural skills by playing “light as a feather, stiff as a board.” It’s not real, but it’s fun to pretend and you’ll all bond over how silly it feels.
Pisces 2/18 – 3/20
It’s time to take stock of that perfume collection. The half-full bottles of musk and bergamot are collecting dust. Donate them to your stinkiest friends. Spread the aroma-joy.