by Maddie Parise
Unlike too many people I know, I was raised with the idea burned into my brain that sexual assault is never the victim’s fault. I was taught to comfort those afflicted and encourage them to seek medical, legal and emotional support after being sexually assaulted. So how come when it happened to me, I thought and did none of that?
The summer before my freshman year of college I was sexually assaulted by a friend of mine after an evening of drinking. I won’t get into the details, and I won’t disclose his name for ethical reasons; despite all this, I want to protect his privacy – ironic, right? I know that there is little I can do about the situation after almost two years have passed. I don’t feel the need any longer to persecute or harass him. This is my story. Although there isn’t much I can do about it, maybe there’s something you can learn from my experience; should you or someone you know ever end up in a similar situation.
After the assault had occurred I returned to my house and felt severely unsettled. I Skyped my friend in a confused panic. Between tears, I asked her, “What just happened?” over and over. The next day I woke up and continued to battle with my inner voice. I asked myself several questions over the next few weeks (and continue to question on bad days).
“Why did he do that?”
“Why did you ever drink with him alone? Are you stupid?”
“How could you let him do that?”
And the most burning question that haunts me always:
“You weren’t raped, why are you so upset?”
I continued to ask myself these questions amidst constant Googling of what the hell I was supposed to do. I didn’t tell my mom. I didn’t want her to know I was drinking. I didn’t report anything to the police, and I didn’t think I had the right to be so upset. I didn’t contact my therapist for support (until months later) because I didn’t want her to know after all our hard work I had slipped back into my brutal depression and growing anxiety.
Looking back, I see that I avoided a lot of support that I could have used. I did myself no favors. I want you to know, though, that if you’re ever in a similar situation, there are people who will listen. Most campuses have a sexual assault hotline or prevention organization. If that doesn’t sound doable to you, then talk to a friend, family member or a staff member that you trust and that you know will take care of your needs.
Though my assault did not occur on a college campus, I often hear about similar situations that have occurred here at Colorado Mesa University. If someone shares their story with you about this, please, for the love of whatever you believe in, do not downplay it.
Sexual assault is “sexual contact or behavior that occurs without the explicit consent of the victim,” according to the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN). The organization lists some examples of sexual assault including attempted rape, fondling or unwanted sexual touching, forcing a victim to perform sexual acts (such as oral sex or penetrating the perpetrator’s body) and penetration of the victim’s body, also known as rape. Basically, if someone sexually touches you and it doesn’t feel right, it wasn’t.
Despite the fact that my incident is written clearly on this list, I still struggle with the legitimization of my feelings about it. Especially considering things I’ve heard fellow students say regarding the matter.
I’ve heard perpetrators be defended because it ‘wasn’t that big of a deal,’ it was ‘blown out of proportion,’ or ‘he’s a good guy.’ Read this sentence 12 times if you need to: To the victim, this was a big deal. This was a huge deal.
This was panic attacks and suicidal thoughts. This was avoiding classes or events for fear of a repeat offense or even just looking the assailant in the eyes. This was carrying pepper spray or pocket knives when going out, even when with friends. This was hiding the truth and suppressing dangerous feelings for fear of being called a ‘liar’ or being accused of overdramatizing.
Everyone’s situation is different, whatever you’re feeling is valid, and don’t let people who don’t understand your struggle dictate how you work through it. If someone shares their story with you, don’t ignore it or brush it off; what sounds like a crummy Saturday night to you could have been a turning point in someone’s life.
Sexual assault affects us all. Every gender, every sexual orientation, every skin color and every economic/social class. This is a bigger issue than one or two horror stories you hear through the grapevine.
“One in 5 women and one in 16 men are sexually assaulted while in college,” according to the National Sexual Violence Resource Center.
My story is not uncommon, but it is a painful memory that comes back to me every time I walk outside at night or see social media posts from his friends. I still sometimes find myself asking the same questions from that night.
“Why did he do that?” Because he has no respect for human rights and holds his need for sexual contact above his regard for life.
“Why did you ever drink with him alone? Are you stupid?” It doesn’t matter why you did it. That is not a valid excuse. You are not stupid. You are a victim of a crime.
“How could you let him do that?” Anything you did or didn’t do would still make it his fault.
“You weren’t raped, why are you so upset?” Because he made you feel like a disposable object, who exists solely for pleasure. You are not a sex doll; you are a human being.
I am so thankful to the friends and family I have now who work with me through my triggers (which by the way is not sensitive liberal feel-good bullshit, it’s knowing my catalysts so I don’t want to cry, puke or die every time I see a bottle of spiced rum).
If you can’t be that friend for someone get them the resources you can’t supply to assist in their recovery. In the meantime, don’t belittle a sexual assault and please watch out for your fellow Mavericks. Ending this nightmare for millions can start with you.
CMU Sexual Assault Response Team (SART): 970-270-5895
CMU Student Health Coordinator and Prevention Specialist: 970-248-1601
RAINN: 1-800-656-HOPE
