Dear Anthony,
My girlfriend entered a bikini contest during Spring Break and got second place. That makes me one of the luckiest guys, right?
Sincerely, Shake That

Dear Shake That,
If you ain’t first, you’re last. She didn’t even win the free VIP treatment to the club that night. As for myself, I will be looking for the winner. On a side note, what happens during Spring Break doesn’t make you more or less of a person. We just call these issues Spring Break problems.

Dear Anthony,
My girlfriend’s March Madness bracket is damn near perfect, far better than mine. Should I feel less of a man or just be proud I’m sleeping with a hoop head?
Sincerely, One Shining Moment

Dear One Shining Moment,
I will always think that a woman who knows her hoops is a true keeper. It means she won’t make you work or take you on errands during games and it’s something you can talk about that won’t make you pull your hair. At least she isn’t picking winners based off of mascots and team colors. Those brackets kill me to look at.

Dear Anthony,
I love my family more than anything, even more than my girlfriend, even though I love her very much. She doesn’t like my mom, however. Is there a way to make things less awkward?
Sincerely, Mama’s Boy

Dear Mama’s Boy,
I have to be with women who like my mom. There’s no exception to that. Unless your mom is evil, which almost isn’t the case, you’re gonna have to tell your lady to get use to it or she’s out of there. Family first, that’s the rule.

Dear Anthony,
My girlfriend has been mad at me lately because I haven’t been satisfying her. I don’t know what the deal is. I haven’t lost my bedroom swag. How can I fix this?
Sincerely, Lost Touch

Dear Lost Touch,
Maybe you’re just not wiggling the worm as much as you need to. Or she could just be bored with the same routine. Next time she comes home, be in the bedroom waiting for her. . . in a costume. At fist she’ll be surprised, but then when she notices it’s for sex, it’ll get her going. Take her in bed and don’t forget you can’t ever thrust your pelvic area too hard.