listfulthinking.wordpress.com

I’ve heard it all before. You and your significant other have been together for so gosh darn long and you love him so gosh darn much and the two of you are as happy as Care Bears in a field of rainbows. I don’t want to burst your bubble, because bubbles are almost as cute as your little fantasy world, but there’s something you should know: love stinks, love hurts, and love is a battlefield. Love is also baloney. Quite frankly, this obsession with something that’s not even real irks me. I’m starting to hate love.

The phrase “love” is simply a label for a series of psychological and biological events. It has less to do with blood feuds, balconies, and stabbing yourself in the heart after your boyfriend drinks poison, and more to do with your chemistry homework. (Although I have to hand it to Shakespeare; somehow “sucrose by any other name would taste as sweet” is not quite as catchy.) Your brain has the process of falling in love down to an unromantic science.

Let’s take it from the top. Your eyes lock across a crowded room and it’s love at first sight, literally. The Association for Psychological Science says you’ve got maybe a tenth of a second to make a positive first impression. Body language and appearance represent a significant portion of that impression. The sound of your voice is another important aspect and a very small amount is based on what you say. The pickup line you’ve been practicing all night is virtually useless if your voice cracks or you slouch. If that occurs, you’re going home alone.

Say you’ve somehow managed to get their number and finagle a date. According to the Smithsonian Institute, at this point your brain starts producing a bunch of chemicals that throw you into the three stages of love. The first stage is lust, which can last anywhere from a few weeks to a few months and is driven entirely by hormones. You know what else is driven entirely by hormones? Puberty. No one enjoyed puberty.

If you manage to remain an item after the lust has subsided (and it will subside), the next stage is attraction, which relies on adrenaline, dopamine, and serotonin. Adrenaline causes that sweaty, heart-racing, dry-mouthed reaction you get when you see your partner. Incidentally, those are all symptoms of stress. As if school, your job, and your family weren’t stressing you out enough—your sweetheart makes things worse.

Dopamine provides an intense rush of pleasure every time you see your partner. It has the same effect on the brain that cocaine has, a product that hasn’t really gained a reputation for its health benefits.
Serotonin is the reason you can’t stop thinking about your crush, the same way someone with Obsessive-Compulsive

Disorder can’t stop thinking about how many times to touch a doorknob. The University of Pisa found the serotonin levels of couples in love were equal to those of OCD patients. That’s right—love is making you OCD.

The final stage of your downward spiral into love is attachment, which is influenced by oxytocin and vasopressin. Oxytocin, sometimes called the “cuddling chemical”, calms you and reduces anxiety when you’re near the object of your affection.Vasopressin is what makes you want to stay together, which is impressive because humans aren’t naturally monogamous. Without vasopressin, you’d have no problem choosing one of the 50 ways to leave your lover. Combined, these chemicals forge a bond that results in long-term commitment. If you reach this point, you’re in it for the long haul for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, till death do you part. That’s a terrifying thought for us commitment-phobes.

So much for cutesy, Hugh Grant-inspired notions of love. It’s not a grand, sweeping emotion that deserves the poetry, art, and music it spawns. It’s just another chemical reaction in the brain. The next time you feel Cupid’s arrow pierce your heart, take a step back, calm down, and recognize that it’s probably just a leftover puberty hormone bouncing around in your gray matter. There’s nothing romantic about that.

ssummar@mesastate.edu