I know it, you know it, we all know it. Skiing and, by proxy, snowboarding are awful activities to eat up the precious time we are allotted.

Things like reading, making snow forts and twiddling your thumbs are much more favorable winter activities than skiing and snowboarding. Now come close, listen up and be quiet so I can inform all you powder heads why you are wrong.

Reason for not believing number one: it is cold. There is a reason that humans have invented heating, and by going skiing or boarding, Dr. “Heater” is rolling over in his grave!

Why should we subject ourselves to frigid conditions that kill all the plants on the ground and trees had to evolve in order to survive it?

The fact that colorful and bulky gear that keeps the snow out and keeps your body nice and toasty has been invented is a shame to society. Toss out the skis and trade up for a nice pair of slippers, that way there is no risk of frostbite or being slightly uncomfortable.

Secondarily, skiing and snowboarding is just one big, superficial, degrading fashion show on a mountain. All these winter sports require some kind of gear to do it properly, and Tyra Banks might as well be on the slopes critiquing people as they whizz by to find America’s Next Top Dummy.

Hurtling down the snowy catwalk covered in various outfits that demand attention only leads to children with entitlement problems.

Whether it be the wacky outfits and jumpsuits, 80s style color vomit, or the new and trendy snowboarder dude pink jacket, these tirades of expressiveness are depleting our society to a vain husk of humanity.

So, if we stop skiing and snowboarding, we can stop the epidemic that calls Logan Paul their king and fidget spinners the toy of the year. Don’t encourage a generation of brats; stop skiing and save the future!

Thirdly, is the child labor involved in making the slopes prime for shredding. Ever see those fake snow blower machines? Yea? Well, there are small children packed inside of each one, each working their little-frostbitten fingers off crafting snow so that we can have some “gnar pow,” as they are saying.

If letting child abuse continue can rest easy in your stomach, then go ahead and ski, go ahead and watch the X Games, (which were super cool by the way). *Cue “In the Arms of an Angel”*

These poor children are beaten to the bone and suffer every day for their overlords in heavy jackets and hardly ever see the light of day underneath the mechanical hood they are confined to.

For every abstention from surfing the slopes, a child gets released from the mountain and sent back to their parents. Just remember the next time you are skiing that for every inch of snow on the mountain, a child has lost two fingers to frostbite.

Lastly, is the fun. There is just too much enjoyment experienced from skiing and snowboarding. It sure is exciting to glide down a mountain at speeds only Usain Bolt could replicate on land, but this amount of euphoria is just too much to handle.

Laura Huwa | The Criterion

When a human experiences this kind of dopamine rush more than three times, they become addicted to whatever triggered those three events, take my word for it and don’t do any research.

Once someone has passed over this thrice time threshold, they develop a rare and very dangerous condition: Adrenaline Junky-itits. Symptoms of this neurological disability include: a constant search for the thrill, boredom in mundane tasks, and days spent having fun doing something dangerous.

These are very serious symptoms and the disease must be avoided at all costs, for if the brain becomes dependent on these rushes of adrenaline spurred by skiing or snowboarding, normal life is no longer a viable option.

Several people can’t handle the new condition and become nomadic skiers, just looking for the best powder and having no regard or desire to pay taxes and wash dishes. Save yourself a life full of excitement and thrill and stop skiing or boarding before Adrenaline Junky-itis develops.

Together, these points are all scientific and fact-based, leading to only one conclusion: skiing sucks. So rather than subjecting yourself to the terrors involved in these useless sports, stay home and do something slow.


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