Was your costume unremarkable during last year’s Halloween weekend? Do your friends even remember all of the effort you put into your all-out Ygritte costume, complete with cloak and furs literally everywhere? Forget the fact that it cost you 200 dollars; you just weren’t showing enough skin.

This year, take advantage of Halloween weekend. It’s not like it’s that cold outside at the end of October. So, don’t bother with a jacket or one of those “warm” and “practical” costumes your mom made you wear for trick-or-treating when you were seven. As Cady Heron said in “Mean Girls,” “Halloween is the one night a year when a girl [or even guy] can address like a total slut and no one can say anything about it.”

Why would you waste an opportunity like that?

To help you determine whether your Halloween costume is sure to make an impact this year, we’ve provided you with the self-ranking harlot-to-nun scale. It’s easy to use, has cute colors and doesn’t even contain numbers.

On the far left, we have the “harlot” category. Costumes in this category usually contain nothing more than lingerie. Last year, I heard of someone who went as Saran Wrap…dressed in nothing but a roll of plastic wrap unwound over their body. Bravo.

In the middle, we have the “coquette” category. Costumes in this category keep everyone guessing. Maybe you have a jacket, but it’s fully unzipped and falling off one shoulder. Maybe you actually wore more than just underwear, but your shorts have so many holes that no one’s guessing what color it is.

Anything farther right than this category is what I call the “danger zone.” If your costume falls into this section, other party goers will stare through you like you’re invisible.

At the very furthest point right, we have the “nun” category. Don’t fall into the trap of picking an “accurate” costume. Defining traits of a nun on Halloween include skirts or shorts that fall anywhere close to the knees, shirts that cover your shoulders and clothes of any material that isn’t see-through.

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But, what if you’re still worried your costume is at risk of falling into the danger zone?

Try out one of these variations on what’s sure to be some of the most popular costumes of the year:

Sexy Pennywise and Georgie: Don’t miss a chance for you and your significant other to both show off some skin. The easiest way to pull off this sexy and scary costume is by matching your lingerie or undergarments to the character’s color scheme. You truly only need to worry about the face makeup for Pennywise; any small amount of clothing will suffice for the rest. Grab some yellow lingerie and a cut off, un-buttoned raincoat for a sexy Georgie. Oh, and don’t forget your paper boat.  

Sexy Eleven: Maybe you tried this costume out last year. Your dress went down to your knees. People asked you why you were carrying a box of Eggos around. No one gave you any free drinks. This year, try our variation on Eleven; only a few days after the premiere of “Stranger Things” season two, sexy Eleven is sure to be a hit. Grab some pink lacy lingerie, the smallest and shortest blue jacket you can find, and ditch those dorky knee socks.

Sexy baby Groot: Cover yourself in vines. Just vines. That’s it.

Sexy literally any other superhero: If you’re a girl, lucky for you, Hollywood has done your work and female superheroes are already half undressed. If you’re a guy, follow this general rule: cut the amount of spandex they’re wearing down by at least 70% and leave the rest of your skin visible.

Sexy Donald Trump: Um, actually, nevermind.

Whatever you pick for Halloween, make sure you ask yourself one simple question. Would I wear this in front of my grandma? If the answer is definitely no, you’ve done a great job.

Hey, you. Welcome to the end of the article. Angry? Confused? Well, don’t worry silly goose, this is satire. So, step away from the keyboard and breathe it all in.

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Lauren Lipski
Lauren Lipski is a senior at Colorado Mesa University serving as The Criterion's managing editor for the 2017/2018 school year. She is also majoring in English literature, English writing and Hispanic studies. She was a copy editor for the Criterion in the spring of 2017. She also served as the managing editor of Pinyon, CMU's poetry magazine. Upon graduation in May 2018, she plans to pursue graduate studies in writing and publishing.

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